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RUBY62-8
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1996-10-27
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62 lines
Copyright 1996(c)
IT'S THE STUPID ECONOMY, STUPID
Ruby D. Begonia on the Campaign Flail
A Ruby D. Begonia Pearl
"Yo, Bob Dole," Ruby greeted him from the window seat of his
campaign plane.
"Bob Dole didn't let you in here," said Bob Dole. "How did you
get in here?"
"Settle down, Bob Dole," Ruby soothed. "I'm virtuous. You
can't control me."
"You're not going to involve me in any sex scandal," Bob Dole
exclaimed, shrinking away from Ruby. "Get her away," he said to no
one in particular.
"What is it Senator?" asked the security guard.
"Get rid of her," said Dole, pointing at the window seat.
"Her? Who, her?" asked the guard, who didn't see Ruby.
The dawn broke for Bob Dole. "You meant virtual, not virtuous,
didn't you?" Bob Dole muttered to Ruby. "I'm having an
hallucination, right?"
Ruby gave her 'whatever' shrug.
"Bob Dole had a bad dream," he explained to the security
guard, who moved away. "And it's not over," he muttered, staring
at Ruby.
"Listen, Bob Dole," said Ruby, "I don't think you can win this
thing anyway, but you've got to quit gnawing off your own leg with
that mouth of yours. Honest to God, I'd rather be doing P.R. for
O.J., sometimes," Ruby complained.
"O.J.?" said a surprised Bob Dole.
"Another boy can't keep his mouth shut," said Ruby. "Anyway,
back to your problem --"
"I have no problem except Bill Clinton," said Bob Dole. "Bob
Dole is going to be the nominee."
"Wake up and smell the room deodorizer, Bob Dole," Ruby
ordered. "Being the nominee is something somebody's got to be. You
got to get the nomination first, but that ain't home plate. You
can't be President, boy... you got no tact."
"Tact?" asked Bob Dole. "Listen, Bob Dole has more years in
the senate than you have walking around sense, and Bob Dole can
work the system because Bob Dole knows the system. Bob Dole is what
America wants for President."
"Wrong," said Ruby. "Look-it, Bob Dole... I want a pocketful
of chicken-filled pots and most of all I want that white fox stole,
so give me my 15% and I'll be off."
"I can't do that until I'm President," said Bob Dole.
"Crud!" said Ruby. "Okay, where do we start?"
"We don't start. You are obviously a low-life character.
Character is what America wants," the Bob Dole defended.
"They don't mind it, but what America wants is show biz. They
want razz-ma-tazz. Ask Adlai Stevenson. Can the Bob Dole tap
dance?" Ruby asked.
"It's a matter of charm," Ruby went on. "See charm school is
where you learn to say 'Fan-tas-tic!' instead of 'Bullllll-dooee'.
They teach tact at charm school 'cause tact breeds charm, Bob Dole,
and you ain't got any."
"Are you sure tap dancing is what America wants in its
President?" asked the Bob Dole.
"That and good hair," said Ruby.
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